Funny Life Quotes and Money Quotes
Funny life quotes can be inspirational as well as amusing. Because it goes to show that the witty and famous have the same money and life problems as the rest of us.
They have dilemmas with their love lives and saving money; quotes to make us feel that we're all in this together. Funny life quotes from funny people...
Funny Life Quotes: About Money
Three things have helped me through the ordeals of life; an understanding husband, a good analyst, and millions of dollars.
Consider the postage stamp; its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
People do not lack strength, they lack will.
I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.
The greatest gift is the passion for reading. It is cheap, it consoles, it distracts, it excites, it gives you knowledge of the world and experience of a wide kind. It is a moral illumination.
Frugality may be termed the daughter of Prudence, the sister of Temperance, and the parent of Liberty.
Industry is fortunes right hand, and frugality its left.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else.
I started out with nothing and I've got most of it left.
There is nothing in the world more reassuring than an unhappy lottery winner.
Without frugality none can be rich, and with it very few would be poor.
By sowing frugality we reap liberty, a golden harvest.
Never let the defeat of the past rob you of the success of your future.
Happiness is making the most of what you have.
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
There are plenty of ways to get ahead. The first is so basic I'm almost embarrassed to say it: spend less than you earn.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
She tipped him her nickel in the manner of one presenting a park to the city.
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.
Bob Hope's got more money on him than I have in the bank.
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Funny Life Quotes: General Wisdom
I haven't failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that don't work.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
The way I figure it, when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, I've done my job.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure.
Small-business customers are very conservative and very cheap. We don't have to explain ourselves for the most part.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Less is more.
Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Funny Life Quotes: Battle of the Sexes
Love is a grave mental disease.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior".
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
I dress for women - I undress for men.
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
I'm married now, so I do most of my dating on the internet.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Love conquers all things, except poverty and toothache.
Sensitive break up letters are my specialty. Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You. PS, I'm gay.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're probably broke.
There's a fine line between true love and a conviction for stalking.
The main purpose of love is to provide a theme for novels.
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
I'm single by choice. Not my choice.
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
If you leave me, can I come too?
Funny Life Quotes: On Immortality and Getting Older
I read The Times each morning and if my name does not appear in the obituaries, I go on to enjoy the day.
If Einstein and Shaw couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.
I don't want to live on in my work. I want to live on in my apartment.
Naked, I had a body that invited burial.
I don't have an Achilles heel. I have an Achilles body.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn't help wondering from which direction.
I don't feel 80. In fact I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for a nap.
Funny Life Quotes: And Other Philosophies...
Life is generally something that happens elsewhere.
My only regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
There are no atheists on a turbulent aircraft.
I think we agree, the past is over.
The future is not what it used to be.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in an re-arranged the furniture.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Beauty is only sin deep.
Gaawd, what a night! I'll never mix radish juice and carrot juice ever again.
Research tells us 14 out of any 10 individuals like chocolate.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.
Poetry books are handy implements for killing persistent irritating flies.
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
She's my best friend. She thinks I'm too thin, and I think she's a natural blonde.
A friend is someone who will hide you.