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Funny Life Quotes and Money Quotes


Funny life quotes can be inspirational as well as amusing. Because it goes to show that the witty and famous have the same money and life problems as the rest of us.

They have dilemmas with their love lives and saving money; quotes to make us feel that we're all in this together. Funny life quotes from funny people...

Funny Life Quotes: About Money


Three things have helped me through the ordeals of life; an understanding husband, a good analyst, and millions of dollars.
Mary Tyler Moore

Consider the postage stamp; its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
Josh Billings

People do not lack strength, they lack will.
Victor Hugo

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.
Emo Philips

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

funny life quotes

Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.
Benjamin Franklin


The greatest gift is the passion for reading. It is cheap, it consoles, it distracts, it excites, it gives you knowledge of the world and experience of a wide kind. It is a moral illumination.
Elizabeth Hardwick

Frugality may be termed the daughter of Prudence, the sister of Temperance, and the parent of Liberty.
Samuel Johnson

Industry is fortunes right hand, and frugality its left.
John Ray

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
Monty Burns

There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else.
Andrew Carnegie

I started out with nothing and I've got most of it left.
Groucho Marx

There is nothing in the world more reassuring than an unhappy lottery winner.
Tony Parsons

Without frugality none can be rich, and with it very few would be poor.
Samuel Johnson

By sowing frugality we reap liberty, a golden harvest.
Agesilaus

Never let the defeat of the past rob you of the success of your future.
Ray Comfort

Happiness is making the most of what you have.
Rosamunde Pilcher

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
Rodney Dangerfield

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
Frank Hubbard

There are plenty of ways to get ahead. The first is so basic I'm almost embarrassed to say it: spend less than you earn.
Paul Clitheroe

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
John Barrymore

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Kin Hubbard

She tipped him her nickel in the manner of one presenting a park to the city.
Dorothy Parker

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.
Franklin P. Jones

Bob Hope's got more money on him than I have in the bank.
Bing Crosby

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Douglas Adams

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

Funny Life Quotes: General Wisdom


I haven't failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that don't work.
Thomas Edison

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
Jonathan Winters

funny life quotes

The way I figure it, when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, I've done my job.
Roseanne Barr

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde


He did nothing in particular, and did it very well.
WS Gilbert

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Mark Twain

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Lord Byron

Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure.
Abraham Cowley

Small-business customers are very conservative and very cheap. We don't have to explain ourselves for the most part.
Paul Graham

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

Less is more.
Mies van der Rohe

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz

Funny Life Quotes: Battle of the Sexes


Love is a grave mental disease.
Plato

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
Natalie Wood

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior".
Rita Rudner

He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
Ring Lardner

I dress for women - I undress for men.
Angie Dickinson

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm married now, so I do most of my dating on the internet.
Buddy Parker

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Love conquers all things, except poverty and toothache.
Mae West

Sensitive break up letters are my specialty. Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You. PS, I'm gay.
Homer Simpson

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're probably broke.
Rhonda Dickson

There's a fine line between true love and a conviction for stalking.
Buzz Nutley

The main purpose of love is to provide a theme for novels.
Piers Paul Read

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr

I'm single by choice. Not my choice.
Orny Adams

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
Anon

If you leave me, can I come too?
Anon

Funny Life Quotes: On Immortality and Getting Older


I read The Times each morning and if my name does not appear in the obituaries, I go on to enjoy the day.
Noel Coward

If Einstein and Shaw couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.
Mel Brooks

I don't want to live on in my work. I want to live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen

Naked, I had a body that invited burial.
Spike Milligan

I don't have an Achilles heel. I have an Achilles body.
Woody Allen

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barger

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Martin Fischer

She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn't help wondering from which direction.
Bob Hope

I don't feel 80. In fact I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for a nap.
Bob Hope

Funny Life Quotes: And Other Philosophies...


Life is generally something that happens elsewhere.
Alan Bennett

My only regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
Woody Allen

Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
David Brent (The Office)

There are no atheists on a turbulent aircraft.
Erica Jong

I think we agree, the past is over.
George W Bush

The future is not what it used to be.
Yogi Berra

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in an re-arranged the furniture.
Robin Williams

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Dorothy Parker

Beauty is only sin deep.
Saki

Gaawd, what a night! I'll never mix radish juice and carrot juice ever again.
Bugs Bunny

Research tells us 14 out of any 10 individuals like chocolate.
Sandra Boynton

You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Peter Kay

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.
Anthony Powell

Poetry books are handy implements for killing persistent irritating flies.
Geoffrey Grigson

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
G K Chesterton

She's my best friend. She thinks I'm too thin, and I think she's a natural blonde.
Carrie Snow

funny life quotes

A friend is someone who will hide you.
Philip Roth


cheap living


From little seeds of cheap living, mighty savings grow.

With profound apologies to whoever came up with the original quote.


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